How did I get here? I keep asking myself. I’ve been divorced 3 years and separated 1 1/2 years prior and my date life has been an utter nightmare. My ex cheated and I was faithful with exception. I once had an emotional affair with someone shortly after my husband announced he was leaving. But now, 4 1/2 years later of which 1 1/2 I was separated I find myself involved with married men. Yes, not a married man but married men. Not all of these relationships are sexual by the way. Let’s start with my bestie who happens to be a man. We’ve been best friends since high school and shortly after college he got married to a woman who never trusted our relationship. He and I are not sex partners and although we are the closest of friends our friendship is secret somewhat. She knows we are friends, she knows we talk but she doesn’t know how often. So on an innocent level that is still deceptive. I have what may be an unhealthy dependence on him but, I want them to be happy and often err on her side when he’s asking for advice. Then there is an old high school associate. We only spoke in school and after graduating he moved away and never came back except annually for our Ole Skool Alumni weekend events. While away he got married and it was well known on social media in his status. I was a friend to his relative and she would occasionally tell me that he’d asked about me. I never read too much into it even when he use to like my posts. He is 6’6, handsome and gainfully employed and I respected his marital status. So, there were Alumni events in my hometown, something I rarely participated in until this year back in May was when we bumped into one another again. He was the first person I saw when I walked in, yet my intentions was to hangout with yet another married man. Now this other married man was the only one I regretfully had a selfish intent and motive with based upon pure lust. We flirted in DMs on social media and was curious about one another sexually but, that was it. He and I had never made it to that point at least not yet. So, rewinding back to Mr. 6’6. When I ran into him at the party, we immediately hugged as I had not seen him in years but, all the while I was scanning the venue looking for my sexual, no strings attached conquest to make good on our DMs later that night. It had been almost a year since I had sex and I got tired of being lonely and just wanted to feel loved even if it wasn’t real love for a moment or two or three in time. With that said however, in the meantime Mr. 6’6 offered to buy me a drink and I said sure and told him I was waiting on a few friends to come. We talked and he looked great but, my mind was on the other one who happened to be dee-jaying the party. He too, is well known on the east coast, accomplished and wealthy. But moreover, he was so damn sexy and it was pure lust and desire to just know him sexually. He and I spoke and hugged too but, he had to be low key because well he’s popular and very married. Meanwhile, my home girl comes and I greet her and Mr 6’6 comes up and offer to buy both of us a drink. Me going on drink number 2 and dancing, he began to dance with me and whispered in my ear I want you tonight. I smiled, flattered although that was not quite what I had in mind. I wanted my conquest but, he was so busy we did not link up. Not to mention Mr. 6’6 was on me like the 2 drinks he paid for had bought me for the night. And, he kept buying them too. I was totally feeling the music, atmosphere and his company and lost sight of my original goal to link up with the dee-jay. My girl started talking to 6’6 and he began to tell her how he use to have a crush on me but was too shy to talk to me and she literally became team 6’6. My conquest had no chance that night. Not to mention I was horney, tipsy and soon after invited to Mr. 6’6’s room. It all took off from there. He was unbelievably charismatic, but sexually first encounter he sucked and I forgot to mention that he was adamant that he was separated but married before I considered. I assumed that his separation was like my own. When my ex and I separated we had no intentions on reconciling. I really should have asked Mr. 6’6 about the intent of the separation before deciding to hook up with him. His charm made me want to know more about him. We exchanged numbers and stayed in contact and began seeing one another across state lines. W began to stay in contact and see one another. He took me out to fine restaurants and was very loving. He also wanted another opportunity to prove his sexual skills. The sex was average but, I liked him. In the meantime, in between time my original conquest the Dee-Jay and I were in contact too and eventually hooked up. It was light meaning yes, I knew he was married, yes I just wanted to be selfish and have an experience. The experience happened and it was everything. I mean we were sexually matched. After the session and subsequent sessions we’d literally thank one another for the release and say our goodbyes. There was and still is no emotional connection. I honestly don’t know how it is not. The sex is super intense, passionate but there is absolutely no feelings emotionally. He’d come over bring drinks and good conversation. We called our encounters day parties because well that was the convenient time to hook up without problems. And each day party was satisfying. We didn’t talk relationships we just screwed, orgasm and thanked each other. Hilarious right? Oh and always protected 100%. I didn’t want to mess up his life, marriage or anything. I just wanted a piece of him. Selfish right? I know. But, 6’6 though sweet and charming wasn’t doing it for me sexually. He was a big guy and sexually awkward. We’d find a good rhythm and he’d switch up and get winded. We are always protected too 100% and it wasn’t as bad as the first time but did not compare to my dee-jay. Over time though something has shifted between 6’6 and I. He wanted a committed relationship with me and insisted that I deal with him exclusively. He was a little controlling in that regard and even said me dealing with any other guy was a deal breaker. But, his situation at home he kept intentionally murky. My thought was how an you expect dedication from me that you cannot provide? His articulation of his marital status changed from separated to “it is what it is”, married. I said, so you two reconciled and he was like no, its complicated. She lives in our other property but we’re still married. I was feeling him even though I had another sexual partner (Dee-Jay) with no strings attached just great sex. I chalked his demand for exclusivity to the many months that had past and our getting together every other weekend even til this day. Yet, I still see Dee-jay occasionally, but now I’m in a constant state of despair. Truth is, I struggle spiritually with my choices and acceptance of my sense of low self worth. Truth is, I was and am a very broken woman that feels as if life is dealing with me unfairly. I am in a state of justifying my actions even though I don’t want to break up marriages nor destroy families. I just want moments in time, selfishly to a degree. Truth is, I tried online dating, going to places where I could maybe meet men. I threw myself into my church with service. I pray everyday for an intervention but, I know in life we have choices and that life is all about choices and outcomes. If I had my way, I would have done all I could to save my marriage although he cheated but, instead I am acting out the very thing that hurts me. I do not want to hurt anyone in my current actions. But I am. And although the wives do not know, I am hurting myself daily. With 6’6 I am living a lie. With Dee-Jay I am indulging my flesh and with my bestie I am totally dependent on him as a source of security in the friendship. Often demanding way too much time from him to lend me his ear. I am hurting and I just want the power to stop these self imposed wounds. I want to end it all but, the truth is I love 6’6 and the Dee-Jay, well he just gives me light-hearted pleasure and fun. I promise you (reader) that I don’t want to hurt anyone nor do I want the wives to even know that their husbands cheat. I am so compliant with meeting their needs that it is pathetic and I just want something to do until something else comes along. The reality is though, I am not readying myself for Mr. Right by giving too much of myself to the Mr. Right Nows’. It is so easy to judge and for people to say just stop. Believe me, I want to. I just need to find my voice and air of strength to know that I am enough, that I have to be my own lover and take care of me. I am emotionally drained and unstable and constantly ask myself how? How did I get to this place of low self perception? I have broken things off with 6’6 but with each break I allow him to draws me back in. Meanwhile, Dee-Jay contacts me every other week just to kick it and thank each other for the fun. I am not asking for advice. I know what I have to do. I am just trying to find the strength to do what is right for everyone directly and indirectly involved which is to simply stop. Spiritually, I am drained and though I know God is not far from me. I fall so far from God. My struggle is more spiritual than anything and then I think that though my dad did the best he could, I never saw him practicing monogamy until his last years on earth. As a child, although he and my mother were divorced I had to share his time with different women every time he’d pick me up for daddy and daughter time. I even in the more recent years took on the posture that monogamy isn’t natural and that marriage is a man-made institution despite the fact that I wasn’t raised that way. I am just deeply struggling with being human, fleshly and full of ego and that is all. ~love
Yes, I have lived in a bubble far too long, only serving those that matter to me. My family, friends and job. Life became so mundane and I prayed about it often. Lately a little voice has been speaking to me in my soul saying it is time to “stretch yourself”, live beyond your bubble and serve others. You must learn to do what does not come natural. As a single mother of 2, serving my children and rearing them as best as I can is totally natural. As I started to explore what it means to stretch myself, outside of my personal bubble, I began to realize that I have to do the things that make me go above and beyond in order to support or lift a stranger- someone I have no emotional connection to. That is true service especially when serving with no expectations. I am on the path of stretching myself to do God’s Will and not my own. My will is perfectly planned to a tee. But, God’s plan is not always plain and certainly not always easy. But one thing it is for sure is loving, a blessing, a spirit of servitude and strength. My Mission In This Life Is To STRETCH MYSELF. Giving is so fulfilling, generosity is character building and doing what seems impossible is strength and endurance training.
I am a natural-born giver to a fault. Sometimes to my own detriment. I don’t know how to turn it off. Yes, sometimes I need to turn it off. I could slap myself. Why? Because everyone aren’t givers and that is okay, but I feel like I run into a lot of non-givers especially in relationships. Or, I run into those who don’t give at least their best. I am not perfect by far and don’t always give my best, but sometimes I want to be showered with giving. The kind of giving I’m talking about isn’t monetary. It is more like mutual respect, kindness, good deeds. Being a NOW single mother of two brilliant “Indigo” kids – kids that really don’t need me. Kids that were born with life already figured out. Kids that only needed me as a vessel to get here. I find myself needing nurturing that even I don’t seem to have time to give myself. Then there is the mate. He is beautiful, the chemistry is intensely harmonious, but the baggage is as heavy as the luggage of everyone on an airplane. He’s filled with insecurity, lack of achievement and constantly compares himself to someone I no longer want, love or miss, my ex. We match in some areas but not academically nor in income. The income and education miss-match doesn’t bother me as much as the insecurity. He does a lot around the house, the kids love him, I love him but there is something that won’t let me just let go and that is his hot headed inability to communicate. It is exhausting, but to him he is doing his best and oh well right now I’m starting to face the harsh reality that his best isn’t good enough for me.
I want answers. I’ve been contemplating on the Universe (Uni) (Verse) and the Creator for a very long time. Let’s just say a long time because “Very” is a very unnecessary word. I often ask myself could the Universe be the name of our Creator and not that which was made by the Creator (GOD). So, I began at the most simplistic point for me which is the word “Universe” itself. Well I actually began with the two words that describe the Universe. I did some homework and began with the definition of Uni. Uni- one, having or consisting of one and Verse- a succession of metrical feet, written, printed, or orally composed as one line. Universe-All existing matter and space as a whole; the cosmos. I then remembered in my Southern Baptist upbringing in church that God created all things with the Word! God is the Word and the Word is with God. So to understand more of what and who God is I looked up the definition of “Word”. Word- a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing. My point for right now is that I call and believe God to be “The Universe!” God is Uni, and Verse orally composed. After all He created the world and all there is within and beyond with the Word! As for man well, feel special for we were made in His image with His Hands.
After being married 8 years I realized that what I had wasn’t real. Or was it? Real love perhaps doesn’t only last if the relationship does but un-real love does, that’s for sure. So I’ve moved on and feel good about it all finally. We will probably be great friends because that was the one thing that was real about it. But moving on, I’m a bit of a skeptic. I’m less tolerant, easily discouraged and find myself wanting to be free of commitment to another mainly because I haven’t truly committed to myself and I no longer trust the situation. So what have I learned? No matter what,be patient and if you don’t know how, then learn fast. A lesson I have yet to master. It was a year and a day when I reconnected with an old friend from high school from the day my e-husband moved out. It was also during the time I had committed to my personal growth and healing, but then he came and I forgot about what I really needed to do in order to be whole, healed and baggage free. Baggage free, by the way is virtually impossible because even when we rid ourselves of the baggage we created with others there is still self-created baggage that is harder to get rid of. We store it, revisit it, and in new relationships often pull it out of storage and add clutter. Argh! Needless to say, I am finally coming to a swift realization that right now I need to go it alone. That is where my healing will come from my me time. I am uncomfortable in the relationship I am in and it isn’t fair to him and especially myself. I need a healing for my soul and not depletion. When is it real? The answer, when I become real with ME! Real can be a scary place for the human in the mirror, but I face it everyday and that is where I will begin, becoming ever so real with me.
I am struggling with being patient and it seems dating sites offer sometimes immediate results. Uhmm I’m a skeptic. Are dating sites worth a try? Particularly for single women with children. And what about “Catfish?”
It was December 2012 when my husband of 7 years decided he was moving out. I wasn’t surprised, nor hurt. In fact, I was numb, completely numb and oddly relieved. You see everything that could go wrong in my marriage did! I was emotionally abused, physically abused and frequently abandoned with two children that were only 18 months apart and cheated on. My husband had left me on average 2-3 times a year each year. I– after years of crying-stopped crying and began to get use to not having him around. Not to mention that I had a management position in my profession that was demanding. Needless to say this marriage was exhausting. We appeared to be the happy, young attractive couple to everyone and each day I was dying inside. We were active in our church and even that was pathetic to me. He left January of 2013 and in less than a month from now I will be filing for divorce Jan 2014. I will always love him, but when “respect is lost for a person’s self-esteem the relationships always but always eventually end.” So as I reflect I ask myself after us even getting therapy could we have worked or were we doomed from the start? I have two answers (oxymoron) rather: 1. Yes, with real work, dedication to commitment to love and respect we could have. 2. Was I willing, was he willing, NO! Neither of us was really truly willing to do the work. My excuse is things had gone too far already. I struggled with why I was even still there after the physical abuse, emotional abuse and infidelity. Truth is I wanted the marriage to end years before, but stayed in it for selfish reasons and the kids were the main reason. Truth is I had a demanding job as did he and I needed help with raising my children. Truth is I didn’t see myself doing it alone. I also had a small glimmer of hope that he would change his angry outburst, hurtful words and hitting. It didn’t change and so I welcome this demise. I am 42 and it is scary to think of starting over, but it is exciting all the same. I will always have a special place in my heart for him and wish him the best. Ultimately, I gotta heal so I won’t become bitter and angry, so that I can attract the right one. As of right now,
I am working on me spiritually, physically, emotionally…it is not easy and I am not where I want to be yet, but thank GOD I am not where I use to be.